End Of My Love Story: I Learned To Stop Carrying The Torch

I’m probably not quite lucky when it comes to finding a romantic partner. I’ve had long-term serious relationships with resentful endings. When I was in high school, I was heartbroken, confused and angry because the boy I loved broke up with me without telling the reason. A year later, it was disclosed to me that he died of brain cancer shortly after he left. Three years later I met my college sweetheart. His messed up life led him into making the wrong choices, he cheated on me until he was forced to marry the girl he impregnated. Two years came by, I had a very thoughtful and meaningful relationship with an American guy. Unfortunately, when his career went haywire, it affected his confidence in our relationship. He kept from me his problems. I desperately tried to save our relationship, but my efforts were not enough. And due to our distance, he decided to end our love story.

When I Finally Went Into Pieces

I was single for another two years. Then I met a tall, dark-haired Irish man with hazel eyes. Despite his intimidating demeanor, we clicked right away and became really close friends. We fell in love. In spite of our busy careers, we managed to keep our romantic relationship healthy. It is by far the happiest relationship I’ve had. Five months after our engagement he started acting strangely. His fear and confusion seemed to be splitting off from reality. Until one night, I rushed to his apartment because he called me crying, asking for help. I found him with his eyes swelling, I can see his struggle not to cry. I found empty bottles of antidepressants and doctor’s prescriptions on the table. I suddenly felt tensed and confused. With his both hands clutching his head, he burst down in tears. He looked up at me and said I am diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I am tough by nature, but his anxious appearance that night feebled me. It wasn’t because I was frightened of him, but it was because I feared to lose him. He told me how much he fears that his brain disorder will only make me suffer if we insist on keeping our relationship. I contacted his sisters who are doctors and they arrived from Ireland the following week. We bid our goodbyes at the airport, he kissed me for the last time and whispered “I love you so much.” Despite his brain disorder, I knew in my heart that his kiss and his last words were genuine. I watched the plane disappear in the clouds, but not a single tear fell from my eyes.

When I No Longer Know What Romance Is

Since then, my frame of mind about romantic relationships changed. The despair of a lost love for the 4th time and the reasons how each ended affected me so much. I became desirous of affection and desperate to flee from all the bad memories. I started looking for distractions with several expats I call my discreet playmates. Even though, I get along pretty well with each of them, I had set the no-commitment rule for myself. I go hitting the bars binge drinking. Sex and more sex on and after the parties and that’s about it. I am unconcerned that I’m just bearing the brunt of my own frustrations. My deep wounds had escalated into a major distrust issue to a point that my heart became extremely guarded.

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resentful endings

I won’t deny that I sometimes miss being in a serious relationship, but I don’t feel that I am ready for it yet. Will my heart ever be ready again? Maybe. I am not closing my doors and this transition is a choice that is currently working for me for reasons I find less complicated.

27 thoughts on “End Of My Love Story: I Learned To Stop Carrying The Torch

  1. Harbans

    That is quite a life! In such a small spell, must have had all sorts of mixed experiences. God may help find one the best partner who could understand and be MR RIGHT.

    1. travelingmind2anywhere

      I sometimes believe that I already found Mr. Right but he was taken from me for a painful but good reason. I just have to take it that way perhaps. I know all of my exes loved me, its just things did not go pretty well and got mishandled. I admittedly have a participation on how it all ended, part of the lessons learned.

      1. Harbans

        I think it is your destiny. But your positive attitude despite everything makes one realize the strength of your conviction and that is what makes you different from others.

        Just belief in our Creator and see somebody may be for you for permanent.

        Regards

  2. Shayne

    It felt like a story similar to the Star Cinema flick called Unofficially Yours. Don’t stop believing, one day, you will also find a man who is brave enough to break your walls. But of course you also have to be willing because he can’t do it alone.

    1. travelingmind2anywhere

      Thank you for the kind words. I just needed to accept the reality of all of it. It’s been 3 years ago, I guess as a person gets older you learn to be just ready for the consequences, (whatever those are.) Simultaneous bad events in a person’s life can change you for good. It’s just I went through a lot of hoops.

  3. pinoydaddy1969

    I hope you find your peace. Love comes now and then and when it does, comes with the risk of pain. Pain is good, it shows your humanity.

    To love and not feel pained when it ends is not loving at all.

    One day, you will find your purpose and all you went through will make sense and all will be good for you.

  4. travelingmind2anywhere

    Yes, you are right. Thank you for such a positive response. I am glad that all of you are not judging me based on the sensitive context of this entry. And yes, having a purpose in life is not only about having a romantic partner.

      1. d.steine

        and thank you too! =) after reading your piece, i was reminded that i have been away from this platform, and thus time to change (again), to go on after all that has happened, and in my case, write again.

        1. travelingmind2anywhere

          Nothing is more shitty than for a girl to feel like she’s jinx or just freaking abnormal for being in all of that drama. On the positive note, at least none of them really cheated on me and made me feel terribly stupid. Lol.

          1. d.steine

            been through some rough times too, and did some crazy things, but i feel that living becomes even more interesting (albeit frustrating at times) with all these uncharted/unplanned crazy voyages moments we go through.

            nah, it’s not drama, because it is part of you, of your memories.

            what is important is, that at the end of the day (or like now at the start of a new one) you are still here.

            you are alive. so live!

  5. Jean

    Don’t worry about your single status now. Pursue your passions and just be aware of who crosses your horizon.

    You seem to attract some temptuous type guys. I avoid them. It doesn’t make for a stable relationship for me.

    My definition of love is soooo boring…someone who grows with me (even if he and I take slightly different paths), faithful, respectful and gently honest. You should not feel burnt out in a relationship for being just the best of yourself. Let that be a test.

      1. paparadu

        As long as your heart doesn’t get hardened.
        As long as you don’t shut down all the doors so that nothing can hurt you any more.
        Because locking up the deep of your heart protects you, but it locks out any potentially fulfilling love, too.

      1. Danino

        It is really difficult when you thought you have found the right person and everything turns out not what you have expected to be. The sad things about it though, is that there will be memories that keep on haunting and there will be “what ifs” and “why” questions… but i know you can make it through *cheers*

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